Autumn is here and more than leaves are changing.

Today is the first day of Autumn! It has crept up on me and I find myself wondering where summer went. Well, if you're in the Pacific NW like we are, you know that it rained much of this summer and has only been hot the last few weeks. Hmmm weird and a bit troubling considering all the climate change talk that has been going on. Not that I have much time to dwell on the what-if's of the world.
On my personal front, I have school starting next week, term 2 of the 3 term series of Anatomy & Physiology. By far the hardest class I have ever taken. Lecture is almost 3 hours Monday nights and Lab is almost 3 hours Wednesday nights. I am also taking an online class called Child Health, Safety & Nutrition, which other than the inevitable vaccine discussion, looks promising. Gypsy (and myself) are a bit nervous about the reintroduction of the bottle to Serenity. She hasn't had one since July and I always nurse before bed. I know she will be fine with milk in a cup during the evening but the bed time routine calls for a bottle. I'm not sure how to go about this, I don't make much extra milk and can't really pump. I have been hand expressing but it takes 3-4 times to get enough for a feeding. Hubby thinks I should try giving her a bottle a few times this weekend before I nurse to get her used to the idea. I'm sure she'll be fine, she's never been one to turn down food, lol.
The last weekend of this month, Gypsy will be traveling to Colorado to get the last of our possessions from a storage unit. A friend of ours there, used to live in Portland and has stuff here, so they are doing a swap of sorts. I am excited to get all my crystals and minerals back, as we had only brought with us the most precious (and smaller) ones. Also, my kitchen gear! It's been bare minimum in Mama's kitchen but soon I will have all my gadgets back including the bread machine! This will be very helpful, as I want to start making fresh gluten free bread for the little one. Store bought is expensive and goes quick!
Finally the really big day is happening in October.... yup little Serenity Ann is turning 1 year old! WHAT! WHERE did ALL the time go? I can't believe she's grown up so fast *sob* she's not my baby anymore, she's a toddler and I can't deny it. I keep wanting to go back in time and slow down, enjoy more, worry less and spend every waking moment engaged with her. For some reason I feel some tremendous guilt over a bunch of things: I didn't spend enough quality time with her, I was online too much when she was little, I didn't take enough pictures or video, I didn't document her milestones down to the last detail. Okay, so really I am obsessing because I did the best I could, I was home with her everyday and other than study times, she was my whole world. Sure, I could have done this or that better but I think I did a pretty good job. But there is one thing I didn't do well and that was write her birth story. I was sooo busy with school when she was born and was totally side swiped by her feeding/frenulum issues that I felt totally consumed. And after the 3 tragic deaths in my life when she was 6 weeks old, I am lucky I came away without PPD. I did try to tell the story a lot and I started to write it, so I think I am going to make an effort to get down what I can. But I know that some details are lost and I can't help but feel this sense of "missing". Like not only am I missing some details of her birth and first few months but that I also miss her being small and new and all the amazing senses that a newborn provides, smell, the soft coos, the gentle squeeze of their tiny little fingers. Now know why some women has so many children, they are trying to recapture all the joy of the first year that flies by and leaves them wondering if they savored it enough, gave enough, loved enough.
I can't believe I am saying this but I want another baby. I mean of course we want to have one more, we have always wanted at least 2 children. But I mean my hormones and mama brain are telling my heart and body that I want one NOW! This is soooo off the plan, sooo crazy and unattainable in our current life path. But damn, I really miss being pregnant, loved giving birth and just want to lay around cuddling a newborn again. I really want a chance to enjoy breastfeeding and not just baring through it out of obligation. Funny thing tho, I keep wishing I could just go through it again with Serenity again, because I am not ready to be giving my time to anyone else. I love having her as the center of my world, but I am really having a hard time adjusting to it moving so fast.
I know I don't have a lot of readers out there right now, I'm a bit of a newbie. But if you are reading please give me some support, tell me how you cope with these feelings of worry, regret and longing. How to you reconcile your brain knowing its not the time for another baby and your body, heart and soul wanting to get pregnant again?
Thanks in advance friends!

The grass is not always greener.

My dear husband, the love of my life, father of my child and truly my best friend, has been off work all week. It has been an interesting dance between him getting in my way, being really helpful, annoying the crap of me and making Serenity very happy. We always talk about how nice it would be if both of us could be home and somehow juggle childcare and a work at home business. What I learned this week is that we would really need to perfect our team work and have a master plan.

Working as a team has been a struggle of ours. We both have gone through periods of unemployment while the other slaved away making ends meet. We both have spent hours cleaning the house, puppy messes, gardening and checking the oil on the car. We were raised in a similar way, however,  I have devoted myself to feminism and he (in unintentional way) sometimes falls back on the idea that certain things are my responsibility because I "choose" to stay at home. After all, his mom stayed home and she did everything. Well, thats not the case with me, I stay at home because its the best option for our child, even if it makes money tight and given my chosen career in Early Education, I can't justify putting her in preschool so I can teach other kids. I also go to school at night, after 10 hours of chasing a toddler, caring for two dogs and attempting to keep the house, bills and car in working order. When do I find time to study you ask? Usually between midnight and before my daughter wakes up to nurse around 3 or 4 am. So, to say the least, I am busy and overworked and I have been trying to explain this to my husband who actually gets to sleep through the night. Okay, so he is stuck in an office 9 hours a day and commutes 45 minutes each way. Yes, I do understand that sucks too, its draining to slave away for some faceless business and spend so much time in traffic and away from the ones you love. And YES, I do "choose" to go to school and "get" to stay at home with the baby BUT its still hard work. 

Now here we are together, most of the day, for 9 days in a row (for the first time since she was a newborn) and its a little awkward. Serenity has enjoyed her extra time with Papa and thats the best part. She loves having free access to both parents and I love being able to call to him when she is pushing me to my limit physically or emotionally. He loves being with her and thats awesome. But he has also been in my way, distracted me from being productive and was less than productive himself. I should say that its been getting better every day. He has been having an easier time putting her to sleep than me and washing a lot of dishes, staying on top of the trash and doing his fair share of potty time and poopie diapers. I'm trying to find time for myself, not nag about dirty socks on the bathroom floor and remember to enjoy all the little things I love about my family.

I guess in the long run, I know that we could make it work. Our love has always been beautifully synchronistic and we just need to learn how to apply it to parenthood. The grass may not alway be greener but its far from brown.

Toxins In Disposable Diapers

In case you already don't know the dangers of disposable diapers, you can read about here:

Toxins In Disposable Diapers: Dioxin and Sodium Polyacrylate:

Climate Reality

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Interesting! Will you watch?

Life marches on...

Lil Monkey has been handling herself well... to our surprise, she slept through the night on Friday, giving us a chance to sleep in. She was in pain and fussy when she woke so I gave her more Motrin. It was super hot so we headed down to one of Portland's splash parks. We brought her little car, some cups for water and sidewalk chalk. Around 4pm we headed to Belmont St Faire, and enjoyed walking around and "window" shopping. I think I may have found an artist to make her a tutu I want for a birthday present. I also found some really beautiful kids clothes, but the creator was out of cards and I am struggling to remember the website address she gave me.... if I remember I will post. It was still really hot when we headed home, so I stripped her down for the care ride and she giggled and chatted in the breeze coming through the windows.

Again she slept through the night! Now, I am feeling really lucky, of course its probably all the Motrin, lol. We got up around 9 and after breakfast we loaded up the dogs and gear and headed to the Sandy river. It was a bit crowded for our liking but we found a decent spot that had some shade and a small cove of rocks blocking off a shallow spot of water from the main current. The dogs chased the ball in and out of the water for hours. We dug in the sand, splashed happily and I even floated down stream a few times. After a nice snack we started to clean up. Ren didn't want to put clothes on after she went pee near a bush so I just loaded her up in the baby wrap and hiked up the hill. When I got to the top I was shocked to find someone had blocked our car in. Grrrh! People can be so annoying. Gypsy made it up and we debated about who was going to hike back down when a guy came up and saw our predicament. He offered to announce the offending vehicle when he went back down. We thanked him and waited, hoping it wouldn't be too long because it was still scorching outside. Ren happily played in the back seat, unaware of the inconvenience.

After a nice dinner, she unraveled a bit and it took quite some time to get her to bed. But again she slept through the night.

The last snip.

On Thursday morning I received a call from the ENT's assistant saying there had been a cancelation for Friday at 10:15 if I wanted to bring Serenity in for the frenectomy. I told her I had to check with my husband and would get back to her. Friday is supposed to be Gypsy's last day at his job, since next week he is starts a new one. I called and he sounded a little concerned but said her would ask if he could leave for a couple of hours to go with us to the Doctor's office. He called me later to say it wouldn't be a problem and I made the appointment. I instantly felt nauseous, last time we saw this Doctor was really hard on us both, this lip tie wasn't supposed to be any easier.

Friday morning I drove Gypsy to work, then Serenity and I went and had breakfast. After a change and nurse we headed back to pick him up. He drove us all to the office since I was feeling very tense. We weren't in the waiting room long before we were moved to the patient room and then it seemed like it was forever before the Doctor and his assistant came in.

They were pleasant and talked about how much she had grown Serenity was quiet and inquisitive; they had me lay her on a laid back exam chair and she didn't look concerned at all. He exam and agreed it needed the procedure. He said he would be using a topical and began to prepare it. I asked him to use a local and he agreed. This was the hard part, she really didn't want to be held down and the injection made her scream. I was able to nurse and cuddle her while they stepped out and waited for the anesthetic to work. When they came back she was nervous and cried a little when we laid her back down, she cried when they cut the frenulum (surgical scissors) but to my surprise it was not as much as during the injection and way less than the last tongue cutting. She stopped as soon as I swooped her up and she nursed right away. It was different and I was hopeful. The bleeding slowed down quickly and we headed out. I knew the anesthetic wouldn't last long so we stopped and bought her some infant's motrin and after giving her a dose she requested her paci and passed out in the carseat. Gypsy dropped us off at home and I moved her into our bed where she nursed briefly and fell back asleep.

She woke up a couple of hours later in a pretty good mood but "talking" a lot and seriously about something, my guess is it was her recount of the mornings event. She cuddled a lot and then I offered her lunch. She had some pieces of chicken and fruit and her lip bled a little but she didn't notice. Then she wanted to nurse, by now I knew the anesthetic had wore off and was hopeful nursing would be easier and less painful than it had been her whole life. She grabbed for it and I gently said let mama do it and did my best to latch her correctly. At first it worked and felt right but as soon as I letdown she pulled back pushing on my breast with both hands and sucking on mostly nipple and very little areola. Ouch! I re-latched but it happened again and this time she became frustrated with me and began to whine and pinch my hands when I tried to stop her pushing. We managed to work out a middle point where I could handle it and she could kneed my breast. I felt a little defeated but I had noticed a difference in the beginning, so I tried to be calm and believe that it would get better over the next few days.

The trouble with Frenulums

Monkey is asleep so I thought I would talk about something that has caused us much trouble, tight frenulums. When she was born she had an Ankyloglossia or tight frenulum also know as tongue-tie and I knew it right away, despite my midwives dismissal. By day 2 she was starving and my nipples were crushed flat. She had her first release procedure done by a midwife, just enough to get a latch but a few weeks later as her mouth grew it was obviously not enough. Second procedure was done by a naturopathic pediatrician, who said it was borderline whether or not she needed it. Really? I thought, okay well do it anyway cuz nursing is hell right now. Okay, slight improvement but by 3 months old we are having the same problem, only now the foremilk she could get before is not enough to keep her full ( even tho we nursed every 45 mins, night and day). This time we saw an Ear/Nose/Throat surgeon, who gently pointed out that her frenulum was extremely tight posteriorly (in the back) and the other procedures had only released the thin tissue anteriorly (in the front). So, he gave a snip, only unlike the last two times it was deep and serious. I can't even explain to you the amount of blood coming out of my lil babes mouth, nor the screams that persisted for 20 minutes as I tried to nurse her for comfort and infection fighting reasons. My DH was out of town and the next 4 days were awful. She was in pain, so much so, I let my anti-tylenol campaign drop out of sight and gave her the nasty sticky liquid in hopes of relief for my princess. She couldn't nurse well and would pull the breast out of her mouth and writhe and scream and go back for milk only to start the process over. After a few days she seemed better, other than the twice a day I had to sweep my finger under her tongue to prevent the tissue from refusing. Only, she never did stop pulling at the breast and pinching my areola or just in general seeming to prefer a shallow latch. At this point I gave up on thinking there was a solution, I was feeling like there was nothing to be done, this was my fate, my daughters fate, a breast-feeding relationship that was anything but ideal. How I longed for the cozy comforting nursing sessions I heard women talk about and write about on their blogs. I just wanted to enjoy it more, to not cringe when she started to get restless, pinchie and desperate for more milk. At this point I had no choice but to start supplementing, I was in school at night, not getting much out of the pump and her weight gain had plateaued. I was devastated at the idea of giving her powdered formula, with no live enzymes or cultures and what exactly was I going to give her? My husband and I both have issues with cow's milk/products and she was intolerant to soy. i went to see my lactation consultant and she had the answer: goat's milk. Yup, she had just come across a recipe anf had talk to a naturopath pediatrician about it. So, I promptly went to the store and bought all the ingredients and a high powered blender. I was actually happy to make it, myself, in my kitchen. To me it was real food not over processed powder and although it wasn't breastmilk, I was happy to have something to give her a full belly. She drank it with no problems and started sleeping better at night too. i kept breast feeding 98% of the time, but she got a bottle with Papa at night, when my supple was too low.
It wasn't perfect but it was working, I was bearing through the nursing sessions by drinking lots of water, taking herbs to help my milk, massaging my breasts to help let downs and keeping her nails trimmed to save my skin.
Then something happened, one day, when she was napping I came across an LLL article: http://www.llli.org/nb/nbsepoct00p161.html
And then a blog: http://thefunnyshapedwoman.blogspot.com/2011/03/introducing-maxillary-labial-frenulum.html
I thought, OH MY GAWD, is this what is happening?? As soon as she woke up I opened up her mouth and there is was a SEVERE maxillary labial frenulum (upper lip tie). How did the ENT surgeon miss this? I called them right away and spoke to his assistant, "Well Ma'am, if she had this he would have seen it when he checked her upper lip" to which I replied (trying not to be curt) No, Ma'am, I was in the office with her and he did not check her upper lip. She was silent for a second then said "Well, let me check her chart" and put me on hold. When she came back she informed me that he could see her next week at the same charge as last time....
Okay so enter the new problem. Frenulum procedures are not considered medically necessary by insurance companies! Yup, even if your baby is losing weight, they expect you just to go to formula and good luck to ya. So, we have already paid out of pocket for the last visit, in which he failed to check her upper lip. I pushed to get in for free on this basis but was denied. It's the beginning of Summer and I was not receiving my financial aid for school nor was I working. We were strapped for cash already, there is NO way I can pay for this. FUCK! What is a mother to do.... well for one, I googled the heck out of it.... bad idea, as now I know all the risks of leaving the frenulum intact, including dental and speech issues.
So it stayed this way for a few months longer, as she reached the 8 month mark she started having trouble latching onto her wide mouth bottles. I became determined to get her off the bottle so I nursed more and more, despite the increase in pain as the frenulum got tighter and her lip started to curl in more. Now here we are at 10 months, she hasn't had a bottle in about 6 weeks, she seems to be doing good with solid food (baby led weaning) and nursing several times a day. However, now she has teeth, 2 bottom front teeth and one top front and one top canine... she also has 4 other ones punching their way through... with a bad latch this is one of the most painful moments in breast feeding I have ever had. I have the money now, so I am scheduling an appointment for the procedure. Currently waiting for a phone call back from the ENT. Both my husband and I are scared, they told me this procedure is much more serious and that she will get a local anesthetic. I can't imagine putting her through this, but idea of her needing serious dental work later idea and the fact that I really can not go on nursing like this has made me think we are making the right choice.

Anyone have their own frenulum stories? How did you and you LO cope?

Where we ended up...

So the Sandy river was way overcrowded... I mean seriously you could barely see the sand. We never stopped, my DH just kept driving up river. Finally the road curved away from the water and we saw a sign that said Multnomah Falls 13miles. Being that we enjoyed traveling on a whim we both got exited and chatted about how we had each only been there once years before we were together. Multnomah Falls is also one of the location in Ren's book Good Night Oregon, so we continued up the winding road to our new destination. The drive was beautiful and we passed another land mark called Vista House at the Columbia River Gorge, also in Ren's G.N.O. book, but we decided not to stop there, it was hot, had no shade and tons of people. Onward through the woods we continued, I kept realizing more and more that we were not so prepared for such a trip: we hadn't brought a stroller because you can't push it in the sand and the dogs didn't have the right leashes for hiking. Oh well... it will be fun, I had brought the baby wrap and lots of snacks.
We finally arrive to what we had already knew would be a tourist mad house, but we found parking loaded up the gear and headed up. We had already talked about it being a short trip since I can't carry much for long and at some point babycakes was going to want mama.

 

Bottom of the Falls, DH with LO

Up top.

 

On the way to the bridge, she became very serious that she wanted Mama.

From the bridge

DH and Doggies

"Stop taking pictures Mama!!"

More from the bridge

The view below

The rock that fell from the top a few years back, hurting 13 people.

Shes getting very sleepy now...

Back at the car.... me begging DH to wipe the camera lense, lol.

Nursing Monkey before the ride home.

Its HOT outside.

Serenity just woke and we are headed to the river. Going anywhere with a baby is fun but the load of things you have to bring makes me feel like a traveling circus. Not to mention we are bringing the dogs too, who come with their own gear. We recently bought camping chairs and since we are going to the Sandy river, which is pretty sandy, I suggested we bring them too. After all, I do need somewhere comfy to nurse.

Pictures to follow. Hope everyone else is enjoying their Labor day!

Welcome to my blog!

Okay, so after 19 1/2 months of blog reading and general obsession with everything to do with pregnancy, birth and parenting I have decided to start my own blog. I have given a little link shout out action at the bottom of my page to all the wonderful blogs and sites that have fueled my passions.

A little bit about me: I am 29 years old (no really) and married to a lovely man named Gypsy. We are the beaming proud parents of a beautiful and amazing 10 1/2 month old girl named Serenity, also know as Serenita, Ren, Roo, Monkey and other variations of such. We live in Portland, Oregon (put a bird on it!) We have two lovely and funny dogs named Dezert and Lucy also know as Dezi & LuLu.
Currently, I am a stay at home Mama by day and Midwifery student by night. My husband is not rich, we just bust our butts and cut the fat so I can stay home with my RenyRoo. I used to be a Nanny and Preschool teacher, so basically I have been helping kids grow for the last 10 years. I am super excited to be finally raising my own children. I loved being pregnant and giving birth and I will write much more on this later <3
Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy!
~Mama D.