Today is the first day of Autumn! It has crept up on me and I find myself wondering where summer went. Well, if you're in the Pacific NW like we are, you know that it rained much of this summer and has only been hot the last few weeks. Hmmm weird and a bit troubling considering all the climate change talk that has been going on. Not that I have much time to dwell on the what-if's of the world.
On my personal front, I have school starting next week, term 2 of the 3 term series of Anatomy & Physiology. By far the hardest class I have ever taken. Lecture is almost 3 hours Monday nights and Lab is almost 3 hours Wednesday nights. I am also taking an online class called Child Health, Safety & Nutrition, which other than the inevitable vaccine discussion, looks promising. Gypsy (and myself) are a bit nervous about the reintroduction of the bottle to Serenity. She hasn't had one since July and I always nurse before bed. I know she will be fine with milk in a cup during the evening but the bed time routine calls for a bottle. I'm not sure how to go about this, I don't make much extra milk and can't really pump. I have been hand expressing but it takes 3-4 times to get enough for a feeding. Hubby thinks I should try giving her a bottle a few times this weekend before I nurse to get her used to the idea. I'm sure she'll be fine, she's never been one to turn down food, lol.
The last weekend of this month, Gypsy will be traveling to Colorado to get the last of our possessions from a storage unit. A friend of ours there, used to live in Portland and has stuff here, so they are doing a swap of sorts. I am excited to get all my crystals and minerals back, as we had only brought with us the most precious (and smaller) ones. Also, my kitchen gear! It's been bare minimum in Mama's kitchen but soon I will have all my gadgets back including the bread machine! This will be very helpful, as I want to start making fresh gluten free bread for the little one. Store bought is expensive and goes quick!
Finally the really big day is happening in October.... yup little Serenity Ann is turning 1 year old! WHAT! WHERE did ALL the time go? I can't believe she's grown up so fast *sob* she's not my baby anymore, she's a toddler and I can't deny it. I keep wanting to go back in time and slow down, enjoy more, worry less and spend every waking moment engaged with her. For some reason I feel some tremendous guilt over a bunch of things: I didn't spend enough quality time with her, I was online too much when she was little, I didn't take enough pictures or video, I didn't document her milestones down to the last detail. Okay, so really I am obsessing because I did the best I could, I was home with her everyday and other than study times, she was my whole world. Sure, I could have done this or that better but I think I did a pretty good job. But there is one thing I didn't do well and that was write her birth story. I was sooo busy with school when she was born and was totally side swiped by her feeding/frenulum issues that I felt totally consumed. And after the 3 tragic deaths in my life when she was 6 weeks old, I am lucky I came away without PPD. I did try to tell the story a lot and I started to write it, so I think I am going to make an effort to get down what I can. But I know that some details are lost and I can't help but feel this sense of "missing". Like not only am I missing some details of her birth and first few months but that I also miss her being small and new and all the amazing senses that a newborn provides, smell, the soft coos, the gentle squeeze of their tiny little fingers. Now know why some women has so many children, they are trying to recapture all the joy of the first year that flies by and leaves them wondering if they savored it enough, gave enough, loved enough.
I can't believe I am saying this but I want another baby. I mean of course we want to have one more, we have always wanted at least 2 children. But I mean my hormones and mama brain are telling my heart and body that I want one NOW! This is soooo off the plan, sooo crazy and unattainable in our current life path. But damn, I really miss being pregnant, loved giving birth and just want to lay around cuddling a newborn again. I really want a chance to enjoy breastfeeding and not just baring through it out of obligation. Funny thing tho, I keep wishing I could just go through it again with Serenity again, because I am not ready to be giving my time to anyone else. I love having her as the center of my world, but I am really having a hard time adjusting to it moving so fast.
I know I don't have a lot of readers out there right now, I'm a bit of a newbie. But if you are reading please give me some support, tell me how you cope with these feelings of worry, regret and longing. How to you reconcile your brain knowing its not the time for another baby and your body, heart and soul wanting to get pregnant again?
Thanks in advance friends!
The longing never completely goes away, however our children, our own endeavors, and the throws of life put forth much distraction. There is nothing in the world like the wonders of pregnancy and birth, in their empowerment and growth opportunity for us as women! <3
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